When Micky Maltanawandowitz gave Arizona State University one of its largest endowments in the school’s history, times were good. Now, he is wondering about the possibility of moving his family into the wing bearing his name.

Hard times have come indeed, and left many of the uber-rich looking for ways to capitalize on their prior generosity.

“I’d just like to move my family into that little office there on the bottom floor for the next few months,” said Maltanawandowitz. “We could use the relief from paying rent for the next few months, and hey, I can’t help but see my name up there on the building every time I drive by and wonder why, if my name’s there, I can’t use the facilities. After all, I did pay for them,” he said.

Faculty at the university were a little taken aback when Maltanawandowitz requested a meeting and showed up with several suitcases and his family waiting in the car.
“We were just a little surprised,” said one official. “We really didn’t know what to say frankly.”

Maltanawandowitz says if he isn’t going to be allowed to shack up for a few months, he’s considering finding other remedies. “If they’re going to continue to use my facility and not let me stay there, I think I should have the right to evict them,” he said.
The board of regents will meet on the matter later this week.

Fox News reporter Geraldo Rivera was asked by officials in Afghanistan to remove the lifts from his shoes due to the long-held belief that shorter civilians are in less danger when visiting sniper zones.

“Mr. Geraldo is of course a man short in stature, and who has a rather large head too,” said one official. “In my experience, being tall and having an exceptionally big head is a kind of recipe for getting shot at in these parts,” he continued.

Geraldo has often inserted lifts in his shoes when traveling among soldiers for ease of interviewing and for photo opportunities. Fox News officials said that Geraldo was approached by an Army staff sergeant on a recent deployment and asked whether he was wearing shoe lifts. “I think it was just a pride thing at first,” the official said, describing Geraldo’s reason for initially denying that he had lifts in his shoes. “Poor little fella. He just wants to get out there and be one of the guys, and it’s kind of hard, ya know, walking around with all of these six-footers. Poor little fella.”